Finding My Father: At First Meet

I barely got a wink of sleep that prior night. I had no reason to be awake, because my 5-week old daughter actually slept through most of the night. As a sleep-deprived mother, I should've jumped on that opportunity to get more than an hour of shut-eye in the span of a night.

But, nope. I was wide awake, anticipating the experience one of the biggest days of my life -- the day I'd finally, after 32 years, meet my father in the flesh.

So many emotions and thoughts were running through my psyche. I was simultaneously anxious, excited, nervous, apprehensive, and giddy. I mean, this was only the one thing I've played in my mind ever since I can remember.

I played the scene in my head repeatedly. I knew exactly how it'd go down. Went something like this:

See him.
Smile.
Run into his arms.
Bury my face in his shoulder.
Break into the ugly cry.
Hug him until he thought I was weirdly insane and had to pry my arms from around him.

Yep. That's exactly how I envisioned in my mind. I was ready.

But that's not quite how it happened.

I had such jitters as I pulled into the restaurant's parking lot. Although I had this scenario etched in my mind, honestly, I didn't know what to expect. On the phone, both he and his wife seemed like really warm people. We definitely had a connection...over the airwaves.

I wasn't 100% sure that we'd mesh, though, because I've had several experiences with connecting with someone while conversing over the phone or internet, and then getting a totally different (bad) vibe once meeting in person.

Would this be a disaster?! For the first time, I felt afraid.

But there was no backing out of this. I'd prayed too many prayers and waited too many years to turn back when I was right at the door of meeting my father. So I took a deep breath, exited the car, gathered up my daughter, and proceeded to the front of the restaurant.

As soon I turned the corner, our eyes and ours smiles greeted one another like familiar friends reconnecting after a long separation.

We were strangers, yet familiar.
Distant, but close.
Kindred spirits.

We hugged one another, and although it was an embrace I'd never known, it felt so...familiar. Like it was never missing.

It was right.
It was time.
It was perfect.

God's perfect timing.

As we sat, conversation came easy. We discussed many things. One thing I hadn't planned to bring up was why he wasn't there for me. I honestly didn't care to know. At this point in my life, I had accepted His absence, and during my healing process, God had revealed to me that his absence wasn't about my father rejecting me, but about THE Father protecting me.

What my dad would tell me next would further confirm that for me, and help me understand why it was best that he wasn't a part of my life.

"I want you to know that it wasn't about you," he said. "There was nothing wrong with you. There was something wrong with me."

He told me about how he was young and didn't have his head on straight. Typical absentee father excuses.

Okay. Fine. I'm alright with that if that's all you've got.

But there was more...a bigger reason. Something God chose to protect me from, and that meant he had to be absent.

Drugs.

"I was in a bad way on drugs," he told me, as his wife Mary nodded in agreement. That was all I needed to hear. It all made sense to me after hearing about his struggle with drugs.

I didn't need to be exposed to that. Under the influence of drugs, there's no telling what type of negative affect his presence would've had in my life. A present father addicted to drugs was not a part of God's plan for me. He had to shield me from that.

I'm actually thankful for his absence. I'd probably be a totally different person had I grown up with a drug-addicted father.

Yeah...good looking out, God. It gave me a brand new appreciation for the saying, "Man's rejection is God's protection." It is absolutely true.

We never know why God withholds certain things that we want from us. Most times, it's simply because, at the time that we want it, it's not in our best interest. God loves us too much to give us anything less than his best.

God waited until my dad came into the best of who He created him to be before allowing him to enter into my life. Isn't God amazing?!

Because it all happened it God's timing, at first meet, we developed an undeniable bond.

We laughed.
We talked.
We connected.
We loved one another.

At first meet...

My dad and me snappin' it up...selfie style!

After reading this, you're probably wondering why I didn't care to know why he chose not to be a part of my life (Yes, he was aware of my existence!). Well, I'll tell about that next time.

Thanks for reading!

xoxo
LaKeisha