Finding My Father Pt. 1

Daddy's girl -- the one title that probably every little girl in the world wishes to hold. At least I did. For me, though, as much as I wanted it, that just wasn't my reality. Like countless children, I was a fatherless child.

There was no one to accompany me to Father/Daughter school activities.

No dad to make colorful, crafty cards for on Father's Day.

No father to show me how a man was supposed to love me.

Nobody to chase my no-good boyfriends away or give them the third-degree before they could date me.

No daddy to walk me down the aisle and give me away when I married my husband.

Nope. None of that for me. My heart so desperately longed for the love, acceptance, attention, and foundation that only a father can give to their daughter. Growing up, I felt rejected, abandoned, and not good enough. In my mind, that was filled with so many unanswered questions, if I wasn't good enough for my daddy to want me, then no one else would want me either.

To say I had daddy issues would be an understatement. I blamed him for every wrong encounter I had with boys/men. I blamed him for all of my insecurities. I blamed him for my experienced with sexual abuse. I blamed him for my unhealthy desperation for attention from the opposite sex. I believed that had he been present and active in my life, he could have shielded me from all of the dysfunction and pain.

I hated him for his absence. But no matter how much I despised him for not being in my life, that longing for him never dulled. Despite the resentment, I still always wanted my daddy.

I remember at the age of 17 making some attempts to locate him. I knew his name, the state where he supposedly resided, and that he was in the military. With that, I took to the internet and found every name in the state of Louisiana that matched his. I penned a letter expressing that I was looking for my father, made copies, and mailed them to about 10 men that could've potentially been my father.

Nothing. Dead end. No results.

The search was so exhausting, and years passed before I ever searched again.

Nothing. Dead end. No results.

At that point, I gave up. As much as I desired to find my father, I accepted the fact that it just wasn't meant to be. Still, deep down inside, that longing for his presence - that desire to be daddy's little girl - would never die.

About a month ago, my desire to find my dad resurfaced with great urgency. It went something I wanted to do, to something I now felt like I had  to do. It's as if something was intensely pushing me to do it.

Not by chance, one of my mother's old friends - who was a mutual friend of my father's during the time they were together - popped up in my newsfeed on Facebook.

Definitely not ironic.

When I saw her, immediately I felt compelled to question her about my dad. I ignored that prompting though. I mean, I'd tried times before. What would be any different this time. The more I tried to ignore what I knew the Lord was leading me to do, the more I felt compelled to reach out and ask this woman if she knew anything about my father.

A month passed before I actually reached to her, but on January 4th, 2015 at 3:08AM, I sent her a message asking if she knew anything. I didn't what to expect, but her response sent chills through my body:

"My husband talks to him. I'll ask him when he gets home from work."  Just a few hours later, she sent me a message saying, "My husband spoke with your dad. Here's his number." 

I couldn't believe it! I stared at my phone with tears in my eyes and a huge smile on my face, reading that message containing his phone number over and over and over again. Just like that, I was given access to my father.

It's amazing how we can work so hard and try to make things happen with no results. That happens most times because we are outside of God's timing. But when God says it's time, what was once hard becomes amazingly easy. Sweatless victory!

Back to the story...

"Babe, I got my daddy's phone number!" I yelled in excitement to my husband. He couldn't believe it either. "Look!" I said, showing him the message I received.

Smack dab in the middle of my excitement, fear stepped in.

Should I call? What if he doesn't want to talk to me? What if he rejects me? What if...what if...what if?

Before I could entertain those thoughts too long, my loving Heavenly Father spoke so sweetly to me. He simply said, "I'd dare not dangle your greatest desire in your face, only to have it reject you."

Feeling both excited and nervous, I called him. He answered. We greeted one another. Immediate laughter...and not the nervous kind.

Within seconds of being on the phone, we had an instant connection.

It wasn't awkward.
It wasn't forced.
It wasn't fake.
It was real. Genuine. Divinely orchestrated.

I was talking to my daddy!

I felt like a little girl...that little girl who always wanted her daddy. Finally, after 32 years, I had him...and he wanted me.

In that moment, I felt loved.
Accepted.
Validated.
Thankful.

The missing piece of my life had found its way to finally complete the puzzle. Mystery solved. Empty space in my heart filled.

God is so amazing!

He's so strategic in how He orchestrates our lives. Nothing is isolated; everything works together. I'd get a better understanding of that truth when we met face-to-face for the very first time in our lives on Monday, January 20, 2015...

My dad Pastor Ricky Simmons and me meeting for the first time.
The smiles on both of our faces say it all. It was a joyous moment...

I'll tell you all about our meeting in part 2... :-)

xoxo
LaKeisha