I read the first entry, dated May 27, 2008, and immediately began to weep. I’ll share it with you…
Today is a very emotional day for me. I’m feeling extremely melancholy, and I have the slightest idea why. This depression is so prevalent today, and I can’t muster up the strength to even fight it or hide it. I keep telling myself, “Keisha, just get over yourself and snap out of it.” If only it were that easy. I feel as if I am at war with myself…like the person I am and the person I know I should be are at war. They are trying to kill each other, and neither is ready to surrender. I don’t know which one is winning right now, but I am so tired of the up today, down tomorrow cycle. I am tired of ME! I see all of these ugly things about myself…all of my insecurities are staring me in the face, and it’s so overwhelming. Sometimes I ask myself if I truly love God the way I say I do. I’m sure that’s exactly what the enemy wants me to do – question my love for God so that he can ultimately convince me to just give up, give in, and walk away. But I can’t do that; I won’t do that.
I don’t know why I’m so hard on myself. I mean, everybody has issues…what makes me think I’m any different? I guess I just feel like I should have a better grip on things. Things shouldn’t get to me like they do. But I guess that’s what happens when you aren’t sure of your security within yourself, or in God. I don’t mean to question God, but I often wonder why and how He could love someone like me. Most times I don’t even love, or like, myself. I put up a front around others to make them think I’m all good, but the truth is that I am a wreck on the inside. I know that the enemy wants to turn me against myself and make me hate myself, but I’m really trying not to let him do that. It’s so hard though…sometimes I’d just rather let him win.
Even though I question it, I know God loves me. Lord, help me to love myself. Help me to get past my insecurities. Help me to never give up and lose faith. It’s so hard right now, but Lord, if you hear me, please help me through these raging storms in my life. I hope you’ll see me through.
Reading that took me back to a place of deep brokenness, and at the same time, showed me just how much the Lord has restored me. My weeping turned into worship, and right there in my closet I praised God from the depths of my soul.
I could have thrown in the towel. I could have been swallowed up. I could have drowned in my sorrow. There were many times I wanted to. But God, who is rich in mercy, grace, love, and compassion, kept me from falling. He raised me up. He restored my health, and healed my wounds. (Jeremiah 30:17) He gave me a crown of beauty for my ashes; the oil of joy for my mourning; a garment of praise for my spirit of heaviness. (Isaiah 61:3)
The Lord wants to do the same thing for you, His beautiful daughter. Your brokenness, He will mend; your pain, He will heal; your life, He will restore. Your despair is but for a moment; it won’t last always. I love the NLT version of 1 Peter 5:10. It says, “In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.” That’s a promise you can count on, because God’s word cannot return void. In just a little while, you’ll be praising God for how He brought you through.
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy really does come in the morning. (Psalm 30:5) The Son will shine in your life. Your ashes will soon turn to beauty. Hang in there.
Be Beautiful!
XOXO
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