Pieces of Me: Embracing My Inner Beauty Pt. 1

Dark and awkwardly skinny with nappy hair – that pretty much describes my appearance for a great deal of my young life. I was never the pretty or popular girl, and growing up without my father added to my long list of insecurities. His absence alone planted seeds of unworthiness into my mind. If I wasn’t good enough for my own father to stick around and love me, how could I ever feel worthy of anything good in life? It didn’t help, either, that my childhood best friend was a perfect mix of African American and Puerto Rican, with long, curly hair. She always received the best compliments whenever we were together. People would just look at me and say “You’re not too bad for a dark-skinned girl.” I wasn’t sure if that was supposed to be a compliment or not, but it certainly left me feeling some kind of way every time I heard it. She was so beautiful to me, and I often wished I could look like her. That way, everyone else would think I was pretty, or, better yet, I’d think I was beautiful.

On top of feeling generally unpretty, my father’s absence left a huge hole in my heart. I longed for the day I’d wake up and he’d be there, hugging me, playing with me, and telling me how much he loved me. But that day never came. Because he wasn’t around to protect me, I fell prey to sexual abuse at a young age. From that experience, I adopted the mentality that my body should be used to satisfy the needs of men, and I used sex appeal as a means of gaining the attention I desired. Mini skirts, midriff tops, booty shorts – if the boys liked it, I wore it. I became the girl that would let all of the boys sneak a quick feel on my breasts or butt, and even in my underpants. In my eyes, I believed that it made me pretty or desirable. Clearly, my thinking was twisted.

I spent a great deal of my life searching for something to fill the void of not having my father around. I turned to sex, pornography, and, eventually, alcohol, desperately seeking to feel whole. But all those vices did was add to my emptiness and made me feel worse about myself. Wandering aimlessly through life, I felt worthless, and in my eyes, there was nothing good for my life. Though I accepted Jesus into my heart at the age of 14, it was hard for me to believe that He loved me after all I’d done over the years to crucify Him afresh through my willful sin.

Even after I rededicated my life to the Lord in my late twenties, I yet struggled to see that fearfully and wonderfully made woman He created me to be. To me, she simply didn’t exist. I still felt ugly; I still felt worthless; I still felt less than what I knew God made me to be. I had no confidence, no self-love, no self-esteem, and no real reason for living. Many days, I drowned in depression and wanted to die. But no matter how much I wanted to give up, God wouldn’t let me. He wouldn’t allow all of the beauty He placed within me before the foundation of the world to go undiscovered.

It took consistent and persistent praying, fasting, and studying God’s Word to heal my heart, transform my mind, and renew my life. By His grace, my eyes were opened to the truth of who I am in Christ. From the beginning of time, even without my father and without the need to compare myself to my gorgeous childhood friend, I’d always been beautiful. My beauty had nothing to do with who didn’t love me enough to accept me, what other pretty girl I looked nothing like, or the ugly things I did to devalue myself and displease God, but it was solely based on the fact that I’d been formed by the hands of a beautiful, perfect God.

He wholly restored me, and through His Word and the renewing of my mind, taught me to embrace the beautiful woman I was destined to be.

Like the old me, there are many women oblivious to the remarkable beauty that resides within them.

Because we live in such a superficial world, many spend countless dollars and time trying to match their exterior to its standards, but spend little time and effort trying to match their interior to the standards and beauty found in God’s Word. But know this -- When beauty secrets fade away, God’s Word concerning who you truly are inside will yet stand.

My sister, grasp this truth – No matter what you’ve done, where you’ve been, how long you’ve done it, or what you’ve experienced, God loves you with an unconditional, everlasting love. Before the foundation of the world, He loved you and chose you as His own. When He looks at you through the blood of Jesus Christ, all He sees is His beautiful daughter.

It is my sincere prayer that every woman will grow to see herself as beautiful as God does.

*Introduction from my book, "Beautiful Me: 21 Days to Embracing Your Beauty Within"*

Be beautiful,
LaKeisha
xoxo